


Somewhere in between who I used to be (and who I'll be tomorrow)

by Acousticaffair



Category: Mamamoo
Genre: F/F, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-12-09 07:32:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11664483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Acousticaffair/pseuds/Acousticaffair
Summary: "So you are telling me to quit singing?"





	Somewhere in between who I used to be (and who I'll be tomorrow)

She wonders if all trainees feel like this the day before their debut.

 

Somehow she doubts it. Isn’t debuting supposed to give you an exhilarating feeling? To think that after so many tears, sweat and blood you finally made it?

 

Then why does she feel so pitiful?

 

Facing the wall of the practice room, Moonbyul leans against it. She sighs.

 

Along her life she’s had many dreams. Not all of them came true but a few did, and most were exactly like she expected. This time? Not so much.

 

Moonbyul knows very well that the idol industry isn’t as good as some believe. It’s actually very dark and she’s learnt it the hard way going from one company to another. But she still had hope. Of finding the right company. Of finding the right members. Something close to a family. There she would give her everything in order to achieve her dreams. The group’s dream. All of them together.

 

Moonbyul snorts. How naïve could she be?

 

“Moonbyul. Are you done? We need to go soon.”

 

With her thoughts interrupted, Moonbyul looks at her manager. He isn’t too bad. A bit cold but nice in general. He’s new and doesn’t want to make any mistake. He still calls them by their stage name, a sign of his lack of familiarity.

 

“Sure, just give me a few minutes to collect my stuff.”

 

With a nod he leaves the room, leaving Moonbyul to herself again. She takes a moment to look at her reflection in the mirror they use to practice their dances.

 

Long auburn hair – now messy thanks to her training -, triangular face and a kinda scrawny body. Would people find any appeal in her? Would she have fans? She questions herself and her skills every day. She is aware she should be more positive, there’s a reason why she is among the selected members. But it seems like that her insecurities follow her everywhere she goes.

 

On her way to their dorm, looking through the van’s window, she reflects on the past few years. At first she thought she would get over it easily. A few weeks or months and then she would move on, but she finds herself going back to it almost every night.

 

The worst part is the question that won’t leave her mind. She even dreams about it.

 

Did she make the right decision?

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

_“So you are telling me to quit singing?”_

_Moonbyul is too shocked to even feel angry at the words that just left her CEO’s mouth. She can’t believe them._

_He purses his lips and in his defense, he looks upset about his words as well. But that doesn’t change the fact that he said them._

_“Byulyi… This isn’t easy for us either. We know you passed the audition as a vocalist and you’ve been training as one for a year, but we need to make some changes or this won’t go anywhere…” He rubs his face and sighs. He considers her one of her more gifted trainees and he cares for her. The hurt on the girl’s eyes is evident and it pains him that they had to come to this._

_“But… Why me? It’s unfair.” Feeling how her world and future crumbles down, Moonbyul clenches her fists. Tears are pricking at her eyes, but she refuses to cry. For now at least._

_“Byulyi, we like you. You have a lot of potential, but we have better singers.” He tries explaining._

_And Moonbyul knows too well she isn’t the best. Not when trainees like Wheein, Hyejin or Yongsun exist. But she is too hurt to concede it._

_“I can sing in a lower range. I don’t have to be the main vocalist.” Clenching her jaw this time, she looks down, unable to keep looking at the man. “I just want to sing. Don’t take that away from me. Please.” She finally begs, not caring about her pride. Not when her future depends on this._

_Both stay in silence for the next few minutes. Moonbyul doesn’t dare looking up, but the pause is giving her some hope. Maybe they’ll give her another chance at being a vocalist, maybe-_

_“Moon Byulyi.” He starts in a soft but strict tone, not leaving room for discussion.” A rap teacher will wait for you next week. Take it as your chance of debuting, okay? We expect great things from you.” He finishes sincerely, they do value her for real._

_He leaves after that, leaving Moonbyul there._

_20 minutes later Moonbyul remains at the small room. She feels grateful for the soundproof walls, because this time she is sobbing out loud._

 

_She cancels her contract and leaves RBW the next week._

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Serenely, Moonbyul looks at the members of her group, Sunset Girls. It’s corny, not too original and too girly for Moonbyul’s taste, but there are way worse names so she’ll take it.

 

They are on their way to Music Bank and as usual it’s quite loud inside the van. Seoyeon is singing out loud to the radio, and Jia y Chaewon are bickering about who knows what. Hyeyeon listens to music as she looks through the window and Haneul looks at Moonbyul with a nervous smile.

 

Haneul is a year younger than Moonbyul, but the company chose her as the leader even though they usually pick the oldest. Back then Moonbyul took it as another failure. Another skill she lacks. But now she welcomes it. Haneul is mature and motherly, perfect for the leader position. And that way Moonbyul doesn’t have to be the most responsible all the time.

 

Still, the girls look up to her as their senior. Moonbyul is caring by nature, so she doesn’t mind. She has the experience of having small sisters anyway, so it’s like having five more.

 

“Can you believe we are finally debuting?” Haneul giggles excitedly, as if the idea of debuting is something she never thought was possible. But Moonbyul understands her, nowadays being able to debut is more of a luxury most trainees don’t have.

 

Moonbyul smiles at the girl, trying not to show how she really feels about the whole ordeal. Today is a very important day for the girls and she won’t be the one to ruin that, even if she can’t feel the same excitement.

 

“It’s kinda surreal, isn’t it?”

 

Haneul nods before becoming serious.

 

“It’s our first and biggest test as a group. We can’t afford any mistakes.”

 

She usually relies on Moonbyul as her second in command. On one hand Moonbyul feels happy to be considered trustworthy, but on the other hand it just makes her feel ever worse. What would the girls think if they knew what goes through her mind? How she doubts the company and even the members she’s been paired with.

 

It’s not like they are bad girls. Quite the opposite in fact. They are talented and very nice. They work really hard and almost never complain about anything, even when sometimes they had the right to.

 

But it’s not the same. They aren’t the same. And Moonbyul can’t help but compare them to what she had. It’s totally unfair and she’s aware, but she can’t stop.

 

Sometimes when she lies awake at night, Moonbyul wonders if leaving RBW broke something inside her. If she’s beyond repair. Sometimes she sure feels like it.

 

Snapping out of her thoughts, she looks back to Haneul. Then to the rest of the girls.

 

Maybe they won’t be the family she wanted, but they are the girls she’ll have next to her for the next seven years if nothing goes wrong. They must make it and that will only happen if they work together.

 

She’ll try her best.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

_“Unnie, what are you doing?” Curiously, Chaewon approaches her. Moonbyul spares a glance at their group’s maknae and unconsciously tries to hide the screen of her tablet, but it’s too late. Not noticing her weird behavior, the youngest sits next to her. “Oh, are you watching that group’s debut stage again? What was their name…?”_

_“Mamamoo.” Moonbyul replies quickly._

_“Oh, yeah! I watched it yesterday. They were amazing for rookies, I’m impressed. I wonder if our debut stage will be as good…” After finding a more comfortable position, Chaewon stares at her. “You were a trainee in that company, right? Were you close to them?” She asks innocently, not realizing the meaning that question carries._

_Moonbyul clenches her jaw and looks down at the screen in time to see the end of the performance. The three girls look at each other and Moonbyul recognizes easily the feeling behind their faces. Excitement, nerves, worry… but pride overall._

_Closing the internet window, Moonbyul locks the tablet and leaves it on the table._

_“We barely talked, they were in another group.” She lies easily, as if she hadn’t spent her year in RBW with those three girls. As expected, the maknae believes her right away. Many companies divide their trainees in groups, so it’s not a weird answer._

_“Oh, that’s a shame. I was thinking that you could introduce them to us. They seem fun.” Shrugging, Chaewon gets up again when Jia calls her name from another room._

_As soon as Chaewon leaves her alone, Moonbyul reaches out for the tablet and opens the video again. She forces herself to watch it a couple times more, even if her heart hurts more every time she does._

_Why did she lie to Chaewon? They should start trusting each other. But a part of her wants to keep her days with Mamamoo to herself. Her secret. Her regret._

_Her shame._

_She still feels ashamed. She left the company without telling them. Cowardly, she sent them a text after she took her stuff out of the top floor Hyejin, Yongsun and her shared._

_They tried to contact her, of course. But after many calls and texts going unanswered, they stopped. Maybe it was better that way. If they hated her they would be happy to see her go and it would be easier for them. Moonbyul knew it was a stupid reasoning, but she needed it, so she forced herself to believe it. Or to pretend she did at least._

_Some nights it helped. Most of them, it didn’t._

_She still had their phone numbers, and more than once she had felt the urge of calling them, but she knew she would only bring them more pain if she did._

_And after all, all she wanted was for them to be happy._

 

_Her family._

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

They are in Music Bank’s waiting room. They can’t stop moving around, feeling the nerves more than ever. Soon it will be their turn and they need to be 100% prepared. After half an hour walking in circles in the small room, their manager orders them to sit down and watch the TV.

 

“Learn something from the current groups.” He tells them. But they know it’s only an excuse to keep them quiet.

 

“Oh, Byulyi-unnie, look! It’s Mamamoo” Chaewon points out as soon as they appear on screen.

 

They all know the group by now. How could they not? Mamamoo are famous for their vocals and amazing stage presence. They come from a small company and yet they won their first trophy at a music show a few days ago for their current title song ‘You’re The Best’. But they are aware that Mamamoo has a special place in Moonbyul’s heart, even though she tries to hide it.

 

Moonbyul makes a noncommittal sound but stares attentively at the screen anyway.

 

Still, she finds herself smiling by the middle of the performance. They really are good. They deserve all the praise they are getting, no one can deny it. And it seems like the three of them work well as a team, even if it’s a small number of members for a kpop group those days. Maybe her old CEO was right after all and having her as a vocalist would have been a waste.

 

She bites her bottom lip. It’s not the moment or place to have those thoughts. She should reserve them to when she’s alone and can cry without no one seeing her.

 

Instead, she focuses on Yongsun, which might be even worse.

 

It’s hard to believe that’s the same clumsy and shy girl she met. She still isn’t the best dancer, but her moves are sharp and her voice never falters. She has improved so much.

 

Leaving Hyejin and Wheein behind hurt like hell.

 

Leaving Yongsun behind? It felt like leaving a piece of herself.

 

Moonbyul refuses to wonder if Yongsun thinks of her too.

 

“Girls, get ready, it’s your turn.”

 

The six girls get up and share a look. It’s now or never.

 

Haneul makes sure to gather their attention before speaking up, looking more like a leader than ever. Moonbyul feels proud of how far she’s gone.

 

“It’s our moment. Don’t worry about making mistakes, focus on enjoying it. We only have one debut.”

 

“Sunset Girls. Go!” They all scream in unison.

 

 

It’s showtime.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_It’s winter and the house’s heater barely works, but they can’t afford to call someone to fix it or buy a new one, so they try to handle the freezing temperature with many blankets and hot beverages._

_Giving up, Hyejin left the top floor saying something about going to Wheein’s aunt house. She offered Yongsun and Moonbyul to accompany her, but they declined, not wanting to be a bother. It’s not a lie, but they also have their own selfish reason to stay._

_Trying not to look too eager, it takes Moonbyul around 20 minutes to join Yongsun on her bed. Pretending they don’t notice each other’s red cheeks, Yongsun opens up her arms and lets Byulyi lie on her._

_They cuddle for minutes before Moonbyul gathers enough courage to kiss one of Yongsun’s cheeks. When Yongsun giggles, Moonbyul grins and pecks her cheek again, feeling the luckiest girl in the world for being able to do it._

_They don’t do more than that. They still feel too shy to try anything else. Everything is still so new and scary, but they have no problems with going slow. They have time._

_Getting to their current situation was nerve-wrecking enough to even think about rushing themselves into something they can’t handle. In fact, they don’t talk much about what’s going on between them. But these moments together are enough for them to know that whatever it is, both treasure it equally._

_They know that the time when they have to put a name to it will come, but until then they’ll enjoy their time alone with each other._

 

_After all, sharing body heat is a great way of staying warm._

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Laughing, the girls go back to their waiting room after their debut stage. Despite her pessimistic thoughts, she feels high thanks to the thrilling feeling of being on a stage and singing to the crowd. She thinks they did pretty well. All those months practicing almost until dawn were definitely worth it.

 

Might be just wishful thinking, but she believes she saw people looking at them with interest during their performance. They’ll see it for themselves soon. Hopefully there will be one or two articles about them too.

 

Still deep in thoughts about their future, she doesn’t notice the members have stopped walking until she bumps into Seoyeon’s back. Blinking, Moonbyul looks up in time to see Yongsun –or Solar- offering a flower bouquet to Haneul with a warm smile.

 

Blanching, Moonbyul tries to take a step back. Maybe she could go to the bathroom and wait there until Mamamoo went away. That sounds like a good plan. She could always blame it on the nerves. Yes.

 

“Byulyi-unnie”

 

After closing her eyes for a second and taking a deep breath, Moonbyul looks up to the person who had called out her name.

 

Wheein looks at her with a small but sad smile. Next to her, Hyejin looks serious, but not angry.

 

Feeling all eyes on her, Moonbyul makes eye contact with Wheein and Hyejin.

 

“Hey there…” Moonbyul mutters in a low tone.

 

“You did a great job.” Yongsun congratulates them after a few seconds in silence. “I look forward to more of your stages. Congrats on your debut.” She continues, trying to ease up the tense atmosphere.

 

Haneul, being as smart as always, picks up on how uncomfortable Moonbyul seems with the situation. Even if Moonbyul wasn’t one to open up, she believes she knows the girl enough to understand her. Most of the time at least.

 

“Girls, why don’t we go to our room and leave Byulyi-unnie to catch up with her friends?” It is a suggestion, but the girls know when not to argue, even if they were curious about what was going on. They know Moonbyul belonged to the same company, but she kept saying she barely knew them and it definitely didn’t appear to be that case.

 

After bowing to their seniors and thanking them for the encouraging words and bouquet, they leave in silence.

 

“We should go to our room too. The hall is not the best place to talk.” Hyejin points out to the door of their room, which wasn’t too far away.

 

Moonbyul follows them with her head down low. What could she do? She owes them that much after what she did to them. Maybe in the safety of their room they’ll be able to yell at her in peace, or curse at her. Whatever they do, she’ll put up with it.

 

What she doesn’t expect, is to get engulfed in a bear hug as soon as the door closes behind them. The three of them hang on to her for dear life, and as soon as she hears Wheein try to hold a sob –Wheeinie, who almost never cries-, Moonbyul breaks down as well.

 

Soon enough all of them are crying, and between sobs Moonbyul asks for forgiveness.

 

“It’s okay, we are okay.” Hyejin keeps reassuring her.

 

How stupid she was to believe they would hate her, when all they’ve ever done is to support and love her.

 

It takes them a while to move away from the hug. They feel the need to keep touching each other, to make sure that it’s real and that after so many years they are back together again. Like finally finding the missing piece of a puzzle.

 

Moonbyul knows that they need to talk, and that it won’t be an easy conversation, but for now this is enough.

 

“You sang so well. We are so proud.” Yongsun smiles at her warmly, and Moonbyul can see the honesty in her eyes. It makes her tear up again. “We kept tabs on you, you know? We managed to find what company you went to.” She explains how they waited for her, and how excited they got when they read that her group would finally debut. “You made us wait for a long time.” Yongsun jokes. There’s no malice in her words.

 

“My members caught me watching your stages many times.” Moonbyul admits embarrassed. She won’t pretend she doesn’t care. Not anymore.

 

The girls laugh and Moonbyul can’t help but grin. She hasn’t felt like this in what seems like years.

 

Sadly, Mamamoo’s manager knocks on their door. They must leave if they want to be on time for their next schedule that day.

 

They spend a few minutes saying goodbye and promising to keep in touch for real this time. Moonbyul swears she will. She has been given a second chance and she won’t waste it.

 

Yongsun takes her time gathering her stuff, waiting until the youngest and manager have left to turn back and look at Moonbyul one last time. Her eyes tell Moonbyul everything she needs to know. Her smile confirms it.

 

“I missed you Byul-ah.”

 

“I missed you too Yongsun.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Girls, I’m leaving!” Moonbyul says loudly so all of them can hear her. “I’ll sleep over, so don’t wait for me.” It's one of their rare days off and she plans on taking full advantage of it.

 

Chaewon runs to her before she can open the door and gives her a quick hug before going back to her room, making Moonbyul snort. They might have the cutest maknae ever.

 

Haneul looks at her from the small open kitchen they have next to their living room. She takes a bite to the apple in her hand.

 

“Say hi to Yongsun-unnie and Hyejin and Wheein.” Changing her expression from calm to a sly smile, she continues. “And don’t go to sleep too late, if you know what I mean.”

 

Feeling her face redden, Moonbyul rolls her eyes.

 

“I don’t know what you mean.”

 

“Just make sure to tell Yongsun-unnie not to keep you awake until late, the last time you came home after sleeping over you were a zombie. A very happy one though.” Haneul smirks. What? Being the leader doesn't mean she can't have some fun as well.

 

Squinting her eyes at her, Moonbyul stutters some lame excuse before opening the main door and leaving away hurriedly. Even after closing the door she can hear Haneul’s cackles. Moonbyul swears she will have her revenge someday.

 

On her way, Moonbyul reflects on the past year.

 

Their debut made some noise, albeit small, but after a video of Jia being her extra self went viral somehow, people started noticing them more.

 

They probably won’t ever be the most popular girl group, but after two comebacks their fandom is starting to solidify and it’s going pretty well for a group from a small company.

 

The relationship between them became better as well. Slowly, Moonbyul opened up to them more, and she even told them the real story between Mamamoo and her. The girls proved to be a great support for her and she couldn’t be happier for that.

 

Not everything is perfect yet, but it’s definitely better than before and they are slowly taking steps in the right direction.

 

Stepping off the bus, Moonbyul makes a stop to buy some beer and chicken before arriving to her destination. Greeting the building’s doorkeeper with familiarity, she takes the elevator to the fourth floor. She’s done this so many times now that this place feels like her second home.

 

The door opens a few seconds after knocking on it, and a hyper Wheein hugs her quickly before snatching the beer and chicken and going to the kitchen where Hyejin awaits.

 

Chuckling and shaking her head, Moonbyul steps inside and leaves her bag on the closest table.

 

“I think they like the food I bring more than my company.” Moonbyul jokes to Yongsun, who approaches her after leaving her room.

 

“Well, it’s a good thing that I like you more.” Circling her neck with her arms, Yongsun pecks her lips. “They can keep the chicken as long as I can keep you.”

 

Smiling widely, Moonbyul chases after her lips, giving her a longer and deeper kiss.

 

“Sounds perfect to me.”

 

 

It has taken her years, but Moonbyul finally realizes that her family is bigger than she thought.

 

 

 


End file.
